The Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop in Dagon Street
by mirrorballsymphony
Summary: The saga of the unfortunate opening, and closing, of Mr Hong's Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop on the site of the old fish god temple on Dagon Street during the lunar eclipse, leaving behind a kidney and half an ear hole. The gods play cruel games with some people...


**The Saga of the Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop in Dagon St.**

* * *

'Dad?'  
'Yes, lad?'  
'Who was Mr Hong?'  
'How should I know?'  
'Only, when we was all heading back for the boats one of the other men  
said, 'We all know what happened to Mr Hong when he opened the Three  
Jolly Luck Take–Away Fish Bar on the site of the old fish–god temple in  
Dagon Street on the night of the full moon, don't we... ?" Well, I don't  
know.'  
'Ah...' Solid Jackson hesitated. Still, Les was a big lad now...  
'He... closed up and left in a bit of a hurry, lad. So quick he had to leave  
some things behind.'  
'Like what?'  
'If you must know... half an earhole and one kidney.'  
'Cool!'

Jingo

'And I'm sure I don't have to remind you what happened when the late Mr Hong chose to open his The Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop in Dagon Street during the lunar eclipse?'

Vetinari, The Truth

* * *

_Dear Mume and, dad,_

_Well, its a fine day in Ankh Morpork- too day for it is the Opening of, the new buisi *crossed out* bussi *crossed out* shop in Dagon St. of which I have Informed; you about before. Mr Hong, one of our immygrants from the Agatean Empire, has been Steadily building his, Takeaway Fish Shop, the like of which has Never been Seen Before…_

* * *

Mr Hong, one of the second sons of a second son of a second son of the mighty Hong dynasty in the Agatean Empire*, stood back and admired his handiwork.

The words 'The Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop' were blazoned in sea blue across the green sign, with a notice underneath assuring the world that there were 'No Bones!' and 'Very Little Chance Of Curious Squid!' in his food. Due to it being one of the only interesting things to happen in the mostly forgotten Dagon Street since the fish god had packed up for better prospects near the Rim, the whole of Ankh-Morpork had turned out for the event.

A couple of the more intelligent and possibly paranoid ones had worn armour and cork helmets. Mr Hong couldn't think why. He told himself that they were preparing for the melee which would arise as the new blue doors were opened.

It had been years in the making. Mr Hong had emigrated from the Empire with no more than a few dusty dollars in his back pocket, leaving his less-than-beloved country in the hands of some barbarian or other, and had smuggled himself onto a ship bound for Ankh-Morpork under the disguise of a chef. Somehow or other, fortune had bestowed on him a tremendous ability with food.

This had not equated to much in Ankh-Morpork.

Anyway, the past was the past, the debts to Chrysoprase the troll had all been paid off, and he was standing in front of his pride and joy, the fish shop.

A couple of Watchmen, having a special sense for things that drew a crowd and the possibility of free food, were trying to disguise themselves among the crowd whilst still being in the front of the queue. Mr Hong smiled. He was famous! At last, the second of the second of the second would have something attributed to his name.

He turned around and smiled at the mob which had collected around the shop front, most of them determinately hanging onto their purses, sure that he wouldn't manage to get any money out of them. The Watch, he noticed, had their hands in their pockets and were looking specifically nonchalant, just like they looked when passing a pub or a curry shop.

The crowd waited on bated breath and for a moment Mr Hong wondered if there was something else there, something that he hadn't realised. He quashed the thought. It was simply that they were so excited about the opening of his shop.

'Welcome!' he proclaimed, 'to the Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop, opening today with all of our merchandise on at half price!'

Or that's what he would have said, had the ground not opened with a crack after 'luck'. A vortex appeared behind the luckless Agatean, showing a glimpse of tentacles and the smell of the sea, and, within a second, there was a scream and a damp splatter on the floor.

There was a moment's silence as the crowd stared at the bloodspattered remains of the Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop and a couple of the men wearing cork hats nodded appreciatively.

* * *

*Which therefore earned him a grand total of nothing except a flyspecked footnote in the annals of the Agatean families. And a share of half a goat.

* * *

MR HONG?

The spirit of Mr Hong, complete with fish-gut spattered apron and a cheerful smile which was rapidly fading, looked up at Death.

'Eh?'

YOU ARE DEAD, MR HONG. THERE WAS A FRACTURE IN SPACE AND TIME.

'Eh?'

Death sighed. IT WAS DONE BY MAGIC.

'Oh, magic.' That made sense. Bloody wizards, he guessed, messin' around with wot man should not never know.

He became aware that he was increasingly less worried about the smouldering rubble of his fish bar, simply because from this high up, it looked rather small anyway.

* * *

**(if Fanfiction had an option for blood spattering, it would so go here)**

* * *

_Dear Mume and Dad,_

_Well, the opening of this busss *crossed out* business *in a different hand* created Quite, an occasion in the Cite today, as unforchunately the opening of the Takeaway Fish Shop coinsided with the full moon and, as it was originly a Temple towards the Fish God this did not end well for Mr Hong, who is Missed by All._

* * *

Captain Vimes was not a happy man.

'Remind me again, Archchancellor,' he said wearily, 'what exactly happened?'

Mustrum Ridcully's beard bore the effects of standing at the front of the queue for, what he hoped, was free fish, and was still smoking slightly. He wore the disappointed frown of someone who, for a middle aged portly man, had walked a long way for food and when he got there had discovered that the skinny runner who passed him a hundred yards back had eaten it all.

'There was this almighty crack,' he said, peering over at Vimes's notebook, 'and then this godsdamn massive hole in space appeared behind Hong and then there was a sucking sound-' he demonstrated this '-and all that was left was what's in the box there.'

Vimes looked down at the box, in which was lying a kidney and half an ear.

'I see,' he muttered.

'Um, it sort of went Crack-Crack-gristle-AAAARGH!' the Archchancellor continued, ignoring the confused glances from passers-by. Vimes nodded absently. 'There's another A there,' he added helpfully.

'And you were here because…?' Vimes raised his eyebrows. 'It's Second Dinner up at the University about now, isn't it? Good grub they do up there. So I wonder why you bothered coming all the way down here?'

The Archchancellor shrugged. 'Free grub, ain't it? I'm not going to miss out on _that_.'

Vimes nodded and turned to the next witness. 'Yes?'

'Ooh, it was awful, it was,' a tiny old lady trilled.

He sighed. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

_Dear Mume and Dad,_

_Well my, day has been filled with Interesting Itmes, of which I shall now. Recount._

* * *

Vimes glanced over at the spotless face of Constable Carrot as he sat to attention on one of the Patrician's hard, high backed chairs, and glared at the door. It swung open.

Oh, his day was just about to get better.

* * *

Drumknott, listening at the door, could just hear the tired voice of Vetinari say, 'Crack-Crack-gristle-aaargh?'

'It was more like AAAARGGGHHH,' Constable Carrot said helpfully.

Drumknott could imagine Vetinari's face.

* * *

_So overall, Mume and Dad, it has been an interesting few dayes, so we are Extremely Busy at the Watch. I may not be able to Right tomorrow due to this, but we shall have to see if Cpt. Vimes is in a better, mood and has stopped throwing bottles at the; door._

_You're loving son, adopted,_

_Carrot._

* * *

**So, that's what happened when the late Mr Hong opened his Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Shop on the site of the old fish god temple in Dagon Street. Well, in my opinion it is.**

**If you liked it, please review it :)**


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